I wrote an article back on May 28th that I never posted.
And honestly, I think I wasn’t supposed to post it yet. Until today.
Because on May 13th, I was still in the middle of the emotion of it all.
I had a conference less than one month away. That meant my brain had 847 tabs open, my house had a laundry pile as high as Mt. Rushmore waiting to be folded, and somewhere in the middle of trying to hold it all together, I found myself crying over something I knew I needed to release.
I had just quit some extra work I had been doing for about six months.
Just two weeks prior to resigning, I found myself in the bathroom, tears flowing, talking to the Lord, finally saying out loud what my soul had already known for a while:
“I can’t keep doing this.”
The truth was, this ‘extra’ work had become more stressful than helpful. It was taking more from me than it was bringing in. And while I had stepped into it because we needed the financial help, looking back now I can see that it was a leap I should have never taken.
Ultimately because this particular yes was adding weight to my life that God had not asked me to carry.
I took it on because life felt tight. The budget was very tight. The season felt tight. And sometimes when things feel tight, it is really hard to live in activated faith.
We say we trust God, and we mean it.
We really do.
But then the bills come.
The pressure rises. The math starts mathing in ways we don’t particularly enjoy. And suddenly we are over here trying to help God out a little bit.
You know, just a tiny bit. Right? LOL!
Just enough to make ourselves feel like we are being responsible. Just enough to quiet the panic. Just enough to say, “See, Lord? I’m doing my part.”
But sometimes what we call wisdom is really fear with a planner.
And sometimes what we call being practical is really us trying to control the outcome because surrender feels too risky.
Ouch.
I can say that because I lived it. LOL!
When I first started that extra work back in November, I remember praying weeks prior. I was sensing this deep yet gentle pull from the Lord. It was the kind of whisper that you can miss when your mind is already running in ten directions.
Draw nearer to Me.
That was what I heard.
Draw nearer.
And what did I do?
I ended up adding more work.
LOL.
The Lord: “Come closer.”
Me: “Absolutely. Let me just take on one more thing real quick.”
Bless my whole heart.
And I do mean that in the most Southern, spiritually exhausted way possible.
Because looking back, I can see it now. God was inviting me closer, and I was adding more weight to my to do list. He was calling me into dependence, and I was reaching for another way to make things work. He was asking me to trust Him, and I was trying to keep one hand on faith and the other hand firmly gripped around my backup plan.
And listen, I’m not saying this to beat myself up.
I am not dragging myself through shame over a decision I made in a hard season that’s hasn’t quite left yet, if I’m being honest.
There is a difference between conviction and condemnation.
Conviction teaches.
Condemnation torments.
Conviction says, “Daughter, let Me show you something.”
Condemnation says, “You should have known better.”
And we are not doing that today. What I am doing is looking back honestly and saying, “Lord, I see it now.”
I see where fear took the mic. I see where pressure became persuasive. I see where I confused movement with obedience. I see where I was trying to carry what He was asking me to surrender.
And here is the crazy part.
Since the day I laid that work down in May, God has provided in ways that have absolutely blown my mind.
I mean it.
I quit that work in tears, afraid that I was making the wrong move, knowing I had to obey but still feeling the weight of it. It was scary to walk away.
But within about three weeks, side projects started coming in.
Not just one little random thing.
Projects. Greater Opportunities. And Greater Provision.
The kind that makes you sit there and go, “Lord… You really did have this, didn’t You?”
And they are still coming.
That is the part that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
Because I spent six months carrying stress I did not need to carry. Six months trying to make something work with very little financial compensation that was taking more from me than it was giving. Six months feeling the pressure of trying to be wise, responsible, careful, practical — all while God knew what He had waiting on the other side of my surrender.
And isn’t that just like Him?
Not in a “See, I told you so” kind of way.
That is not the heart of the Father.
But in the most loving, steady, faithful way.
Like He is saying, “Daughter, I had you. I have you. And I know how to provide for you without you being crushed in the process.”
Just last week I recorded an impromptu encouragement video from Psalm 31. It wasn’t part of some big podcast plan. It was just one of those moments where my husband said, ‘Love, do you have some word of encouragement that you’d like to say today?”
At first I wasn’t sure. But then I opened up my Bible and saw ‘Survival Psalm' at the the top of the page.
You know those seasons.
The ones where you are not necessarily thriving.
You are just trying to breathe.
Trying to keep going.
Trying to hold on.
Trying not to fall apart in aisle seven of the grocery store because one more thing might just send you over the edge.
And Psalm 31 met me in such a powerful way because David is crying out to God as his refuge, his fortress, his immovable Rock.
He says:
“O Lord, I have come to you for protection; don’t let me be disgraced. Save me, for you do what is right. Turn your ear to listen to me; rescue me quickly. Be my rock of protection, a fortress where I will be safe. You are my rock and my fortress. For the honor of your name, lead me out of this danger.”
That phrase right there:
Lead me.
Not, “Lord, help me control this better.”
Not, “Lord, make this thing work that is draining the life out of me.”
Not, “Lord, bless what I picked up because I was scared to wait on You.”
Not, “Lord, I have already overcommitted myself, so could You please breathe on my exhaustion and call it anointing?”
No.
Lead me.
That is surrender.
And as I looked through my notes in my Bible by Psalm 31, I saw this one line I had written:
Surrender in the battle is a weapon of warfare.
And I have not been able to shake it because so many times, we think surrender means weakness. The world certainly treats it that way.
Surrender sounds like defeat. It sounds like giving up. It sounds like waving the white flag because you could not handle the battle. But in the Kingdom of God, surrender is not weakness. Surrender is strength and trust.
Surrender is warfare.
Because sometimes the real battle is not the situation around us.
Sometimes the real battle is our grip.
Our need to control. Our fear of lack. Our panic planning. Our overthinking. Our desperate attempt to figure out every detail before we obey.
And God, in His kindness, is standing right there saying, “Excuse Me, daughter, but I will handle this My way.”
And friend, His way is always better. While I have learned His way is not always faster, or easier, or even predictable - I know I can get a thousand ‘Amen’s’ right here. And we know full well it’s not always in the timelines we would have preferred. But here’s what we do get.
His way is always better. Because when God provides, He does more than meet the need. He restores the trust. He reminds us that we are not forgotten. We are not behind. We are not abandoned. We are not at the mercy of what we can figure out. And I love this one the most: we are not responsible for doing His job.
Our job is to listen, to obey and to stay close.
And that is where I feel like I am living right now.
We are still living by faith on a monthly basis. I am not writing this from the other side of some perfectly wrapped financial breakthrough where everything is predictable and all the numbers are lined up with a bow on top.
Nope.
We are still trusting and walking out what has felt like a very long season. But - we are watching God provide in ways that is ONLY HIM AND NOTHING ELSE!
One thing is for sure - I can say this with no hesitation:
I have zero doubt that God has us exactly where He wants us right now.
It is because I know Him.
This is the rooted life in Christ.
The rooted life is learning to trust Him deeply enough to release what He never asked us to carry.
It is trusting the Rock beneath your feet more than the plan in your hands.
Because surrender is not weakness in the Kingdom.
Surrender is warfare.
And when we finally let God handle it His way, it will always turn out better than anything we could have forced on our own.
Psalm 31 Encouragement ~
I needed to see this- I am in that season where you were. I panic thinking about bills and how I’m gonna make it happen.
This is exactly what I needed to hear because it is exactly where I am!! Thank you for sharing- with God's perfect timing!!!!